


It Was Your Heart On The Line

by rosesmallow



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Found Family, Gen, Hopeful Ending, Implied/Referenced Torture, Post-TLJ
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-25
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-16 00:49:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29692515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosesmallow/pseuds/rosesmallow
Summary: Poe and Leia finally have a much-needed discussion about what happened on the Raddus.
Relationships: Poe Dameron & Leia Organa
Comments: 7
Kudos: 11





	It Was Your Heart On The Line

**Author's Note:**

> Am I capable of writing anything that ISN'T hurt/comfort? Remains up for debate, tbh. The usual shebang from me, content warning wise: mentions of torture, trauma, some shade against Holdo. Title from Little Lion Man by Mumford and Sons which is great for when you want a nice long cry over Poe Dameron, just throwing that out there.

To say Poe woke up would be generous: it felt like the most that’d happened since he’d collapsed into his cot the night before was a quick blink in between the thoughts that were clawing at his mind, the guilt that he thought he’d washed away with his mission to Corellia creeping back onto his shoulders, unforgivingly.

He stays there for a few minutes, trying to dredge up the energy he needs to face the day. He really didn’t want to get up, didn’t want to be reminded of what little there was left of the Resistance, or of how they were now all separated, of how Snap was now the only member of the now-disbanded Black Squadron on base anymore, because Jess, Suralinda and Kare had gone to the outer rim to help the pockets of Resistance there, or of how Rey had abruptly stopped going on missions with them.

Mostly, he doesn’t want to face the expectant looks everyone had when he steps out into the Ajan Kloss daylight; too many of the new recruits watch him with barely contained hero-worship, others look at him like he was a leader (maybe even a good one), and while Poe appreciates their faith in him - he does - it stings and grips him by the throat, because for every bit of praise he got, he’s reminded of a life he couldn’t save, of a ship blown up under his command, of all the billion ways he’s failed them all, failed Leia, in the past six months alone.

He doesn’t get the chance to stay in bed because BB-8 notes that he’s awake and helpfully chirps at him that he has a message. Poe pushes himself up on his elbows, peering across the room at his console, and sees Bee is right: the message light is blinking. Only one person on base bothers to send him messages - Finn, Rey, Kaydel and Rose are more likely to either barge into his room or pound on his door until he grumpily opens it - so he immediately hauls his ass out of bed.

A request from Leia to see him in her office, as soon as he’s able. There’s an additional note at the bottom of the message that it isn’t an emergency, just that she needs to speak to him soon. 

Poe frowns, runs a hand through his already mussed curls. He looks down at BB-8, who bumps against his shins in a reassuring manner, registering the rise of anxiety in his friend. “General wants to see me.”

BB-8 tips its dome back at him and chirps back, worried by the lack of enthusiasm in Poe’s voice. Poe waves his hand airily, as if it’s nothing because old habits die hard, and acting as if everything rolls off his back is easier than admitting that they don’t, “I’m fine, BB-8. Just didn’t sleep well last night, is all.”

He ducks into the fresher before BB-8 can question him further. He looks like hell: shadows under his red-rimmed eyes, his cheeks and chin darkened by the stubble he hasn’t had much energy in trimming recently. Peeking out from beneath his black tank top, he can see the physical evidence of everything that’s happened to him: scars from fights and interrogations, burn marks from explosions he barely escaped from. 

Poe musters up enough energy for a quick shave and then he’s getting dressed, leaving his tunic collar opened as far as he dares because Ajan Kloss is  _ humid as hell  _ and he’d be lying if he didn’t enjoy catching Finn and Rey gawking - then he’s ducking out of his quarters, into the quiet halls of the Tantive IV. 

The white hallways have carbon scoring here and there that weren’t cleaned up in the decades it’d been under Imperial hands, and Poe wonders how many ghosts must haunt these halls that only the woman he’s about to visit can see.

He comes up short in front of her door, bouncing on his heels, remembering a different ship, a different room: pacing around  _ the Raddus _ , trying to calm the nervous energy thrumming through him and put all of the terrifying swirl of thoughts in his head to rest, unconsciously moving to a stop in front of Leia’s room.

The reminder of  _ the Raddus _ makes his stomach knot uncomfortably, he staggers back from the door, losing his nerve. He could come back later, couldn’t he? He could go clear his head, maybe do some repairs on that new X-Wing he’d been assigned, then come back after a while when he didn’t feel so clammy and his heart wasn’t threatening to burst from his chest because  _ fuck  _ he shouldn’t have thought about  _ the Raddus - _

It isn’t the lives lost that he sees in his head right now, it isn’t even the fact that his and Finn and Rose’s plan failed that grips his heart right now - no, what constricts his ability to breathe is the memory of Leia’s angry expression, the wrecked look in her eyes just after she slapped him, the way relief had turned to nothingness when she woke up because she’d  _ stunned him -  _

Their backs were against the wall, he knew that. He knew Leia was as much a person of action as he was, that sometimes the energy over spilled, that sometimes Leia’s  _ anger  _ over spilled because hadn’t he found her in a storm of an energy he couldn’t see let alone understand in her office one night after a botched mission - but he didn’t think himself capable of being on the receiving end of it.

Maybe she was right to be angry with him, but he didn’t think he deserved  _ that _ . After all, he’d already gone through enough beatings to last him a lifetime on  _ the Finalizer _ alone -

“Nope,” Poe backtracks away from the door, mentally backpedaling as quickly as he can before another wave of traumatic memories can wrestle him to the ground. He doesn’t get far at all, because before his feet can settle on a direction to take him, Leia’s door is opening with a  _ shick  _ and she’s standing in front of him, looking disheveled.

That’s enough to knock his head into clarity because he’s...very rarely seen Leia look anything but put together. But her gray-brown hair hangs loosely around her shoulders, unbraided and unbrushed, her clothes look more frayed than ever, and she looks so  _ tired _ . There are too many ghosts in her dark brown eyes, too much sadness in them for any one person to bear.

Those same eyes give him a once over, then Leia quips, “You look like how I feel, Commander.”

Poe swallows, tries for a smile. He’s pretty sure he looks to be in better shape than Leia right now, but then he remembers the circles under his eyes, the cut he sustained trying to shave, and maybe she’s right. “I could say the same, General.”

Leia huffs a laugh, then steps back, letting him inside. Her office is minimalist, but it always has been no matter where they relocate. No personal effects can be found, just military maps and her cane, which she’s been using since Crait, leans up against her desk within quick reach.

“Have a seat, Poe,” Leia instructs him, motioning not at the desk, but at the couch shoved into the corner. Poe ignores the order because Leia’s still standing up, and if she’s gonna be on her feet, so is he. She raises an eyebrow at his pique, then folds and sits first. “I want to talk to you.”

Poe appraises her for a minute, heart rate spiking. Like she senses this, Leia waves her hand, “No need to be so worried, you’re not being reprimanded. Unless you’ve somehow managed to cause trouble within an hour of being up?”

He gives her a winning smile, “You know me.”

“I do know you,” Leia says with a sigh, shaking her head but it’s fondness that crinkles her eyes, not frustration. “Which is why I want to talk to you. We haven’t really  _ talked  _ since before Jakku and I think it’s important that we do.”

He swallows thickly and tries to keep his voice even when he replies, “We’ve kind of been busy. Not sure what there is to talk about either -”

“Cut the bantha shit, Poe. You and I both know what there’s to talk about,” Leia challenges, looking up at him with a strange expression on her face. Poe stills, his hands on his hips, trying to parse out what that look means. Something’s bubbling under the surface, there’s some inner turmoil she’s been wrangling with that he hasn’t noticed, so focused on his own. “Please just...just sit.”

Her voice is quieter, weaker. Poe sinks into place beside her, hooking one leg under the other, resting his elbow on the back of the sofa as he tries to decide if he should reach out for her hand. Leia won’t meet his eye to start with, but he can sense that she’s putting her words together.

But whatever it is that he’s expecting her to say, it isn’t what eventually falls from her lips, “I want to apologize for...how I handled things after Jakku.” She squeezes her eyes shut, inhaling through gritted teeth. “I knew what you went through and yet I still sent you out to Takodana, to Starkiller. Approved your pitch to be  _ bait,  _ and then I -”

Her hands are trembling, Poe realizes with horror, and there’s tears rolling down her cheeks and his heart lurches because he doesn’t know what to do. It’s not that she hasn’t cried in front of him before, she has, but it’s the first time he’s ever been the cause of it. “Gen - Leia - hey,” he breathes out meaning for it to be comforting, a reassurance, but it comes out a frightened wheeze as he reaches for her hands, fingers locking gently around her wrists, trying to ground her.

Leia shakes her head once, “How do you still trust me?”

Poe blinks, “What?”

She looks up at him and all at once he sees it: the regret and the shame on her face, the hint of confusion in her eyes like she can’t quite believe he’s still here and Poe doesn’t think that’s just because he hasn’t died yet. Leia pulls a hand out of his grasp, places it over his cheek and he can’t help it, he really  _ can’t _ but he flinches and Leia’s face crumbles. 

“Like mother, like son, huh,” Leia murmurs under her breath, but Poe hears, and when she retracts her hand, he catches it with his own.

“No,” his voice is low, rough with emotion and fierce with conviction, even though it’s where his own thoughts had inadvertently gone a few minutes before - from her slap to the beatings he endured from stormtroopers, to Kylo Ren’s black-gloved hand outstretched before his head, ruthlessly and violently shredding through Poe’s memories until he got what he wanted. “You’re nothing like them.”

“I slapped you,” Leia reminds him like that’s something he could forget. “I shouldn’t have, and then I tried to walk away like - dank ferrik, Dameron, do you know how  _ terrified  _ I was when you disobeyed my orders? I only just got you back, and there you were, going to do battle with a  _ dreadnought. _ ”

“It would’ve wiped us out the second we left hyperspace,” Poe says quietly. It was a realization he’d had one late night when he couldn’t get the flames of the bombers’ out of his head: he hated how it’d cost so many lives, would do anything to bring them back, but the fact remained that if the Dreadnaught hadn’t been destroyed, if he hadn’t disobeyed Leia’s orders, then none of them would be alive right now. “I wasn’t gonna let them destroy everything I had left.”

“I know,” Leia says, hanging her head against the back of the couch. “But you’re undermining my shitty attempt at an apology by being so sincere, Poe. I was scared I was going to lose you so soon after Han, after everything...you’re the only person in recent years to constantly come back to me, and for a second - I thought I was going to lose that. I took it out on you, which wasn’t fair. It was wrong of me and I -” the rest of her sentence is muffled by Poe drawing her into his chest and Leia goes still, not expecting the sudden show of affection so soon after her touch had made him flinch.

“Dameron?” She asks around a mouthful of his tunic, confused.

“I’m sorry I scared you,” Poe tells her, emotion thick in his voice, and he presses a kiss to the side of her temple before he pulls back, his eyes shining with tears. “Leia -”

“I shouldn’t have stunned you either,” she blurts before he can make her cry with any more of his kindness that she’s pretty damn sure she doesn’t deserve. “I should’ve made sure Amilyn knew that you - you could be trusted. I don’t think there’s anyone I trust more in the universe, and I should’ve made damn well sure Amilyn knew that instead of letting her treat you like - like -” Leia barks out a frustrated noise, shoving herself off the couch to the desk. 

Poe’s eyes flick to a glass on the edge of the desk that wobbles precariously, despite nothing touching it.  _ Oh no.  _ “Leia -” he starts, but she cuts him off.

“She threw it all in your face, threw what you’d been through - acted like you were just a hotshot flyboy fresh from the academy, not like you’re my  _ right hand man  _ who’d just went through two fucking days of torture by the hands of my  _ son _ -” 

The glass shatters to the floor. Leia pays it no attention. “You’re willing to throw it all away for the Resistance, for  _ me _ . Don’t you get it, Dameron? You’re all I have left and if I lost you, I - I don’t know if that’s a loss I could come back from.” She grips the edge of the desk, shoulders shaking. “And I sure know how to show it, don’t I?”

Poe stands up shakily from the couch, chest tight from her confession and also concern because it’s been a long time since he’s had to calm her down from one of these. “General... _ Leia, _ ” he corrects, voice soft as he approaches her, “Hey, c’mere.”

He tugs lightly at her shoulders, until she turns to face him. She won’t meet his eye but that’s fine, makes it easier for him because then maybe she won’t pay attention to the way he’s crying too. “I -” he starts, but his voice fades because he’s not sure what  _ to  _ say. 

She beats him to it, because of course she does, “I love you, kid, and I’m sorry I hurt you.”

_ Well that settles it, _ Poe thinks, and he draws her into a hug, pouring as much emotion into it as he can. She grabs onto the back of his shirt, gripping tightly to the fabric. He finds it’s easier to speak with his face hidden by the hug, “It’s gonna take me some time to move on from everything that happened between us, but I forgive you. I  _ forgive _ you, and you are nothing like Kylo Ren or Vader. You did something bad while you were angry and scared, that’s not gonna make me leave you.” Poe tells her gently when she pulls back; he brushes a tear away. “Alright? You’re stuck with me, General. I’ll start making damn sure I come home to you.”

Leia smiles and it’s like a rare precious gem, that smile. It’s exhausted and heartbroken, but there’s a glimmer of hope behind it, and Poe thinks he’d probably move heaven and hell to make sure he sees it more often. Then, she surprises him even more, when she pats him gently on the chest and says, “I forgive you, too. For everything you can’t forgive yourself for, yet.”

His vision blurs and he manages a tight nod because if he speaks, he’ll break, and he doesn’t want to break but before he can try to will the tears away, Leia’s pulling him in for another hug and he crumbles against her, legs giving out beneath him and maybe it’s better this way, he thinks as he buries his face against her torso, at least she won’t have to hold his weight up while he’s sobbing.

The galaxy has done its damndest to break them both, to rob them of their light and spirit and resolve, but they’ve held on. Sacrificed parts of themselves, made the hard calls, and it’s worn them both down over the years, but they’re both stubborn-willed rebels who refuse to budge when people need their help, and that’s something the Empire and the First Order can never take from them.

It’s what bonds them together because they’re echoes of each other, two souls who know each other as well as they know themselves, forever linked through the Force, somehow. They’re family and they both get it wrong sometimes, they make mistakes, they fuck up, but they’re each other’s -

And somehow, Poe knows that’s what’s gonna get them through this war, through this. Because no matter what, they are each other’s - general, pilot, friend, whatever the hell term you wanted to slap on it, they were  _ each other’s person.  _

When his sobs subside, he finally replies to the first half of her sentence, “Love ya too, General.”

She pats his head fondly and he hears the smile in her voice when she replies, “I know, kid.”


End file.
